Vegans Do It Better!
by Tormlen
Summary: I don't even know how to describe this one. A vegan and I do mean VEGAN! vampire, who is convinced vampires are evolutionarily challenged and has a dog named Princess Poof makes friends with her natural enemies.


Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all that jazz, not me. I wish I had that much money, instead I get to be a broke college student :(. Oh, and the Adrienne's ring tone is the song "Discipline" by Nine Inch Nails.

What. The. Fuck? The form standing in front of me was that of a lovely, voluptuous woman, yet I knew she was not a woman or at the very least not a sane one. No sane person would stand so calmly in front of a creature large enough to eat them in one gulp, yet there she stood. There was no fear in her expression, and strangely, I noticed that I felt very serene around her, the anger used only to mask the pain Bella caused me floated to the back of my mind.

"Jacob, Jacob, Jacob," she said, her voice soft, smooth, and far too friendly. "Please come back to the pack. They need you."

I couldn't move, but just stared at her. How did she know my name, and what did she know about the pack? She wasn't a werewolf, and she certainly wasn't from the reservation. She was pale like the Cullens, but flushed somehow, more alive. She could pass for a vampire, but all the female vampires I had ever seen were thin and looked like they suffered from anemia. This woman actually had breasts, hips and thighs, and looked healthy. She didn't smell bad, either. She smelled strangely like strawberry cupcakes, enticing and yet a little too sweet.

She whistled. "It's great that you secretly want to make babies with me and all, but we should really get going. I'll run with you if that helps motivate you at all."

I shouldn't have listened to her from the start. I should have kept running, maybe all the way to Alaska or try swimming to Greenland, but her voice and her stance had a strange power over me. I couldn't resist, even though at first I tried. Instead I bowed my head to her, inviting her to climb aboard. The run was dull and dreary with only my curiosity to keep me going. The girl seemed to have fallen asleep long ago.

Finally we came to a clearing and she slid down off my back. "I'm parked close by, and I brought you some clothes to wear. I'll answer all your questions in the car." Her tone was very final; there was no negotiating this. She rummaged through a backpack she had been carrying. I must not have noticed, staring at her a bit too much. Had I been in human form, I would have blushed.

Suddenly she started cackling uncontrollably. "I'm so sorry, Jacob," she barely managed between guffaws. "Do you think you could pretend to be a gay Scottish boy for the next few hours?"

Realizing I didn't have much of a choice, and it was better than being arrested for indecent exposure, I nodded sadly.

"Okay, then," she pulled a plastic bag out of the backpack and put what appeared to be a schoolgirl skirt and white tank top in there. "I know it's a choking hazard, but I think you can handle it," she announced before throwing the bag for me to catch in my mouth.

The moment I came back into the clearing, she cracked up again. "I really am sorry; this must be so unbearably humiliating for you. If it makes you feel any manlier I can see your abs through the shirt, and it's kinda hot."

"Of course you can! It's so tight that if I move the wrong way it will rip in twelve different ways, and this skirt, seriously?! It's just an inch from indecent exposure!" I yelled. Why did God hate me?

"Jacob, could you please turn around?" she asked.

I was confused at her request, but I still grudgingly complied. "That would be the problem. You have a huge wad of fabric bunched up in the belt." After a moment of contemplation, she whispered "nice ass, though." I felt a light tug on the skirt and suddenly the fabric covered most of my thighs.

"So, my father taught me not to accept rides from strangers and I know practically nothing about you," I started.

She giggled. "Well, that's great! You could try phasing, but with the lack of foliage, it would take you about three days. I'm sure you'd just love to hitch-hike back to La Push in that skirt. There will be plenty of greasy truckers to tell you how pretty your mouth is and insinuate that you'll use it for them in that oh-so special way. It just makes you all sunshine and daffodils inside, doesn't it?"

Though still angst-ridden about Bella, I couldn't help but feel a smile coming on. "I'm Jacob Black, but I think you know that already," I introduced myself, hand outstretched.

"Adrienne Dionysus, pronounced 'dee-oh-nee-shus'; none of that 'die-oh-nice-us' bullshit. Pleased to meet you. Now can we please get a move on?" Her tone was only slightly irritated. She did shake my hand hurriedly and in an overly aggressive manner.

We walked just a little further and entered town. The streets were full of shops, restaurants, and, of course, people. I felt myself go red in embarrassment. I could imagine the thoughts racing through the minds of passersby. _Is she his pimp? Is he gay, crazy, or both? Do you wear underwear with that? _I ran ahead to catch up with Adrienne, trying to hide behind her without causing too much suspicion. Unfortunately, trying to hide behind much of anyone at my height is agonizingly difficult.

I was so preoccupied with being embarrassed that I hardly even noticed that we had entered a parking garage. I could hardly see anything inside, so I stayed perhaps too close to Adrienne. I thought I caught her sneaking suspicious glances my way, but she never said anything. I could barely make out the shape of a Prius when she came to a halt.

Once in the confines of the car, she stared ahead, suddenly seeming dead serious. "Now, questions." She wasn't simply inquiring if I had any questions, either, she was demanding that I present her with various queries.

"First off, there is no way in hell you're human. What are you?"

"You know how there are various breeds of dogs? Well, most people and even most vampires aren't aware of this, but there are different breeds of vampires, too. In a sense, at least; I don't know if it's possible to make the equivalent of a cockapoo or anything. Anyway, I don't become a disco ball in the sunlight, as you've so plainly seen." Ironically, the sun scorched my eyes right here as we finally exited the parking lot. "Some vampires are known to hunt humans; I hunt other vampires. More on that later. I don't drink human OR animal blood. My college education provided me with the tools to make a substitute, which I drink frequently and combine with regular vegetarian food. Speaking of college, I havethree separate degrees, only one of which I earned while I was alive." Her speech took an abrupt halt as if it had dawned on her that I might not care about her college experiences.

"Okay," I tried not to sound too suspicious. The way she stopped made me wonder if she wasn't telling me because she had slept with the whole football team and all the cheerleaders or something. "If you're a vampire, why are you helping the pack?"

"Well, you see, most vampires really motherfucking piss me off." For a minute, I was afraid she was going to smash the steering wheel with her iron grip and the furious look in her eyes. "Unfortunately, they haven't evolved any more than this raging twatwafflein front of me. You need to learn to motherfucking drive, asshole!" she shouted at the run down Chevy Malibu in front of her. I could see her eyeing the license plate and noticed her snarl slightly. "And of course this motherfucker is from New Jersey!" She let out a blood curdling cry of frustration. For obvious reasons, I had never witnessed the absolute terror of vampire road rage before. Thankfully, she managed to pass him before any true disaster occurred.

"Anyway," she went on, ruffling her hair in an attempt to calm down. "When I broke up with my douche bag boyfriend because he was cheating on me, I decided to leave New York City for the first time in twenty years. My special talent happens to be reading the minds of animals and influencing their actions, so I came to Forks to perfect it. I stayed with the Cullens, but, as luck would haveit, they moved out a week later. Left in a gaping, dark chasm of boredom, I went to the reservation bearing cupcakes and a very impressive résumé. From there, Sam, Embry, Quil and I drew up a separate treaty for me. Basically, I assist them with the finding and destroying of other vampires, and they don't kill me and/or hurt my dog. So far the tasks they've put me to have mostly been simple tests of faith, though."

Something in my head clicked. I remembered running through Canada, hearing Embry's VERY unwanted thoughts. Oh fucknuts! "Wait! Why was Embry thinking all those dirty thoughts about you? I couldn't tell if he was just imaging things or reminiscing."

She kept her eyes on the road, but started biting on her lip nervously. "Uh . . . about that," she stalled. She bit down on her lip harder, almost drawing blood.

"Just spit it out." My tone was more bored and pissed off than originally intended.

"I'vehadsexwithEmbrythreetimes," she sputtered.

"Now so that I can actually understand what you're saying, please." I folded my arms across my chest, bracing myself for the long soap opera-esque drive.

"Well, one night Embry and I were sitting around, having a few laughs and drinking. Suddenly it turned into a 'you're hot!' 'No, you're hot!' thing, and from there I have no idea how exactly it happened, but we had sex that night. Ever since we've been friends with benefits."

A song filled the silence, but it was obviously a ring tone. "I need your discipline. I need your help. I need your discipline because once I start I cannot help myself" a somewhat tinny male voice sang. Adrienne kneeled toward her foot and grasped her cell phone with one hand. This girl could multi-task! The car didn't even swerve.

"Hi!" she answered with too much enthusiasm. I didn't have to be a mind reader to know who called.

"Uh-huh . . . That's great! . . . How's Princess Poof? . . . Aww! That's so cute! . . . Tell her Mama will be home soon." Her whole disposition changed at the mention of Princess Poof. Her smile illuminated her whole face, making her even more flushed and alive than when I first saw her.

"Do you want to talk to him about that?" she inquired into the receiver. "Of course he's here! Didn't Sam tell you that?"

"Jacob," she broke from the conversation with Embry, handing me the phone.

"Hey," I answered, trying to keep the shock out of my voice.

"Jake, you up for a party tonight? You know, to honor your homecoming." He was trying to be nice, but I still needed some time to mope around. Not that my dad would let me mope, but I could try.

"I'm pretty tired, not tonight. Maybe over the weekend, though."

"I understand. Hand me back over to Adrienne." His voice was far too excited and obnoxious.

She talked to him a while longer, occasionally using grand flourishes of her hands. He would never be able to see her expression, but she didn't seem to care. When they were finally finished talking I turned my attention to her. We were only about fifteen minutes out now.

"Let me get this straight. You're a vampire, you're frienefits with Embry, and you have a dog you named Princess Poof?" I asked incredulously.

"Yes," she answered, the smile back on her face. "Princess Poof is perhaps the cutest thing alive. She's a Mi-Ki, and she just loves everybody. She's so tiny! She only weighs about six pounds. Oh, and she's a genius! She can climb, use a litter box, and follow every command I've ever given her. She doesn't bark a lot, and she is the sweetest little thing!" I could feel myself going deaf from the saccharine imagery.

"Oh, heh, did I mention that the pack and your dad want you to stay with me for a while?"

Fuck.

Author's Note: Basically, this story came about because as a vegetarian myself, I found the vegetarian references in Twilight very inaccurate and wanted to create my own truly vegetarian if not vegan vampire. Hence, Adrienne, even if she is a bit bi-polar in this chapter.


End file.
